After the epidemic, many women lost their sexual desire. What can you do?

(CNN) — It’s been almost four years since the Covid-19 pandemic shut down the world, but don’t be surprised if you’re not feeling very sexy.

According to a January 2022 meta-analysis of 21 studies published in the journal BMC Public Health, sexual function, including factors such as desire, arousal and pleasure, has significantly declined in men and women since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic. And women – even more than men – express conflict when it comes to desire.

“I’ve been hearing about this since the early months of the epidemic and it’s definitely a trend that’s continued,” said Vanessa Marin, a marriage and family therapist based in Santa Barbara, California.

If you and your partner find yourself in a dilemma, there are ways out, he said.

“Being in a relationship is really about working together as a team, ‘Hey, what do we both want and how do we work together to get it?'” added Marin, co-author of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations. It will change your life. “Love.”

Stress kills sex

Why would Covid-19 pose such a persistent problem for sexual desire? Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller says that because of stress.

“It means that people experienced a lot of hardship during this time because there were major life disruptions that didn’t necessarily go away when the world reopened,” said Lehmiller, who is also the host of the “Sex and Psychology Podcast.” .

When people are stressed, it’s harder for their bodies to find room for sex, Marin said.

“For most people, if you’re under a lot of stress, your body shuts down any avenues of arousal and desire,” he said.

In addition to worries about the state of the world and your family’s health, the transition to a Covid-19 world without childcare, working from home and less social travel means increased stress for many people, but especially for women.

“The pandemic really brought mental workload and workload issues to the fore like never before,” Marin said. Mental workload refers to tasks that require planning, preparation, and supervision for household maintenance.

It makes sense that women who took on a larger share of the housework, while working from home, began to feel that intimacy with their partner was just another item on their to-do list, she added.

And even though things returned to something close to normal after the lockdown was lifted, people must have gotten used to the way things were. That means many people haven’t found ways to revive their relationships, said Deborah Fox, a licensed sex therapist and clinical social worker based in Washington.

Spontaneous vs receptive

Fox says that feeling that burning desire at the beginning of a relationship is actually an anomaly in the world of sexuality, and that it’s okay if you have to change your approach as the relationship progresses.

Many people, especially women, experience what’s called receptive arousal rather than spontaneous arousal, he added.

While someone who is spontaneously aroused may be interested in sex under many circumstances, people who are more responsive to their desire need a less stressful context and contact with their partner to initiate their arousal, Fox explained. .

“If you want to have sex on Saturday, start foreplay on Wednesday,” he said.

And it doesn’t have to be obvious. Fox says that foreplay can involve spending time with your partner watching your favorite show, going on a fun date, or even taking a hot bath.

To get back to a place where desire is more regular, Fox recommends setting aside times when you and your partner are physically connected.

Importantly, that doesn’t mean when you’ll have sex, and there really shouldn’t be any pressure to get there, she said.

Instead, hug, kiss or hold her hand at designated times and be open to wherever she may reach. And don’t forget to have fun with it, Fox said.

“This kind of regular rhythm of activity is necessary because otherwise drift takes over,” he added. “And if you’re already moving away from an epidemic, it’s uncomfortable to go back into it.”

How to get the spark back

With a subject as multifaceted as sexual desire, there are several steps you can take if you want to get back on track.

First, take inventory of your emotional connection with your partner: Do you feel disconnected or resentful? Working on those elements of the relationship together or with a therapist can solve physical problems, Marin said.

Then look at the quality of the sex you are having.

“Most people describe their sex as boring, routine, predictable and get nothing out of it,” he added.

You may not know what spice will bring back, but start by asking yourself and talking to your partner about what you enjoy in your sex life; Following those guidelines can improve the experience for you, Marin said.

Finally, women need to start talking about pain.

“Research shows that 30% of women experienced pain the last time they had sex, which is a really alarming number,” Marin said. “If you feel pain during sex, there’s no point in wanting it, so addressing sexual pain is another great starting point for many people.”

She recommends talking to a doctor or gynecologist and possibly a sex therapist to relieve any pain.

It’s crucial that we don’t respond to sexual difficulties by avoiding them, Lehmiller said.

In her research, “there were many people who coped with sexual difficulties by avoiding sex, because sometimes it’s easier not to do it and not talk about it than to have those difficult conversations,” Lehmiller said.

And the data showed that men were more likely than women to seek professional help for the sexual problems they experienced, he said.

“Unfortunately, I think we’ve normalized women’s sexual difficulties,” she added.