Single mother tells how tradewife lifestyle led to divorce

(CNN) — With retro 50s hairstyles and tight aprons, influencers from the world of “traditional wives” or “tradewives” have taken over the internet.

These “traditional wives” who post videos about 30-second homemade bread and other notes on how to make the perfect home are not ordinary housewives. They firmly believe in traditional gender roles. This means devoting oneself to housework, taking care of children and being subservient to their working husband.

Anitza Templeton of Littleton, Colorado embodied the “tradewife” lifestyle for 10 years. At 4am I started making bread and preparing the day’s meals, always from scratch. A mother of four children, she handled all the household chores, while her husband concentrated only on earning a living.

Now, after escaping a “sad” and “unfulfilling” life, Templeton shares her story on a podcast and with her followers on social media, helping other women who find themselves in similar situations and want a new life.

“Social media can make everything beautiful, because it’s 30-second clips, but 30 seconds over 10 years really leaves a lot of the unpleasantness of those relationships,” he said.

Templeton, now 41, said she was raised an evangelical Christian and always believed a husband had rights over his wife. Today, she is a divorced woman and a single mother by choice. And she advocates for women who want to free themselves from dynamic relationships that can all too easily create extreme power imbalances.

The World of “Traditional Wives”.

“Tradewife” influencers romanticize and paint pink before and immediately after World War II, a time when most women were housewives. Some tradewives take a stance against the feminist movement and maintain that only men should go to work, while women focus on home life.

As with any relationship, the “traditional wives” agreement does not always result in a happy couple without family problems. In Templeton’s case, she felt that daily household chores were a distraction from her lack of autonomy and independence, and the pressure to be perfect overwhelmed her.

“There are people in traditional marriages who are happy, absolutely happy,” said Christine Borzumato-Ganey, a counselor and associate professor in the department of human services at Elon University in North Carolina. “It’s actually a high-risk situation for someone to be overwhelmed by their responsibilities and not be treated with respect or appreciated by their partner, who is solely in charge of financial and other important decisions.”

In the world of “traditional wives” the husband has the power when it comes to financial decisions. But control can go further: some women cannot leave the house without permission and, in some relationships, punishment is imposed. This arrangement leaves room for financial abuse, such as having all the money and power over the other person’s head, and emotional abuse, which causes one partner to lose autonomy and trust, Suzanne said. Department of Counseling and Higher Education at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb, Illinois.

“It can give a lot of power to a working person. (…) It has to be a shared partnership,” Dages-White said. “All of us should be encouraged to have this sense of agency, which means that we can be active, take control of our lives, and do something necessary to contribute to the common good.”

At the age of 24, Templeton began to feel the pressure to get married as soon as possible. Shortly after doing so, at age 26, she had her first child and quit her job to become a full-time homemaker.

“I was doing the next thing in life because I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do. And I told myself that’s when the happiness in my life will begin,” Templeton said.

Templeton, who had always wanted to be a mother, felt empty and lonely even after the birth of her first child. “I started thinking, oh, maybe I’ll have more kids. Maybe I’m not mother enough. “I need more babies to flex my mommy muscles to be fully satisfied.”

Templeton’s eldest son is six years older than his youngest. But she still didn’t feel fulfilled and communication in her marriage was declining. Templeton sought the support of a therapist, who helped her realize that her relationship was “poorly balanced”.

“Whenever you idealize something, you really have to ask yourself if it exists in reality. (…) You’re really taking a risk and hoping that the other person has your best interests at heart; You’re abdicating that responsibility to yourself,” Borzumato-Ganey explained.

Precautions to take

When Templeton realized that his relationship was making him unhappy, he began to take steps that would help him become independent after the divorce. Despite a 10-year hole in her resume, she got a job and got her finances in order so she could take care of herself and her four children.

She said it was daunting to start at age 37, but after receiving help from food stamps and getting a job at her children’s school, Templeton began to see her expenses actually decrease, now that she was her only source of income. For her and her four children.

When she left her traditional marriage, she felt immediate relief, she said. Templeton’s advice to other women who still follow this lifestyle is to think back to when you were a child and ask yourself if this is what you really wanted to do for the rest of your life.

“You don’t want your whole identity to be wrapped up in anything. You want a diverse identity,” Dr. said Kelly Campbell, interim vice chancellor and co-chief diversity officer at California State University, San Bernardino. “It’s good to have a loving relationship that gives you great satisfaction, but you can’t lose your identity through that relationship.”

It’s important to maintain strong relationships with friends and family so there’s a support system if the marriage doesn’t work out, Campbell said. Some “TradeWife” influencers have said they don’t see the need for a backup plan, but at least have an idea of ​​how one can generate income if things change unexpectedly, Templeton said.

“You have to make sure that the stay-at-home partner still has some balance in their life and remembers who they are as a person, and is able to pursue passions that interest them and not just their partner’s passions. ” said Campbell, a former psychology professor who has taught classes on interpersonal relationships and gender.

Maintaining open communication and setting clear boundaries and expectations for the relationship can also help, Borzumato-Ganey said.

How to live a happy business lifestyle

Alexia Delarosa currently lives a “traditional wife” lifestyle. While she doesn’t consider herself a “tradwife,” people often associate her with that attitude in the descriptions of her home life that she shares on social media, and she doesn’t correct that.

Today, Delarosa happily embodies a traditional lifestyle: her husband works and she stays at home with the children. But she doesn’t believe the lifestyle is for everyone.

“I don’t think there’s one way to live or one way a family dynamic should work,” Delarosa said. “Every family is very different.”

Delarosa always knew she wanted to be a mother, and as she grew older, she began to envision that lifestyle in her head. “I wanted to be one with them at home. And, well, all the activities, cooking, baking and all that good stuff. So, that was always the plan. And luckily, it turned out well for my family.”

Her advice to women who want or currently have a similar lifestyle is to make sure both partners have aligned goals and visions. And communicate from the start about what they expect.

For those living the tradewife lifestyle, it’s important not to put too much pressure on yourself and to be kind to your partner, as well as ask for help when needed, she said.

“Everything is not perfect all the time, it can easily seem that way. You know, on social media,” Delarosa said. “I definitely have high standards for myself and how I want to spend my day and how I want to do things and how I want to look, so I Trying to achieve that vision for myself. But if I don’t hit the target every time, it won’t be the end of the world either.

Delarosa makes some income from her social media accounts, but as far as needing a backup plan, she said it depends on the relationship and the situation. “Everyone just needs to analyze their own situation and know what they need.”

Whether you identify as a “traditional wife” or a feminist, there is no right way to live, Delarosa said. “This is what I do personally and what works for our family and I love it. And if you don’t agree with that, that’s okay. And if you love it too, then great. We have something in common.”

Put on a pedestal

While Templeton was raised to believe in the “traditional wife” lifestyle, she makes sure her daughters grow up knowing they have choices and encourages conversations about careers that interest them as they grow up.

Templeton believes it’s important for children to see that their mothers aren’t always perfect, and she often shares this message and other parenting advice on her “Emerging Motherhood” podcast.

“To put a mother on this pinnacle of perfection is literally a detriment to everybody, to the whole world. Because when your mom falls, because she’s human, she’s going to be hurt so much that she fell from that high,” Templeton said. .

When Templeton posted about her experience on TikTok in January, her video went viral, reaching more than two million views. The video received comments from others who had a similar experience: “I got my degree before I had my son. And thank God (because) yes, he left me too,” one user commented. “I had the life of a traditional wife. Now I’m divorced, back with my six,” commented another.

Since then, Templeton has made several videos answering questions about the life of “traditional wives” and how she left it, while her podcast focuses on advice for single mothers.

“I do it to inspire others, but I also do it because so many people keep inspiring me to keep doing it,” Templeton said. “That’s my saving grace.”